By McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
Publication Date: 2026-04-30 12:00:00
Just because I am Pythia, Oracle of Delphi, all-knowing high priestess of the Temple of Apollo, blessed with divine insight into everything that will happen, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to jump onto a prediction market platform and throw a few hundred drachmas at the Lakers’ win N.B.A Championship (spoiler alert). Yes, technically I know the inevitable outcome of every war, every sporting event, every election and every awards show, but like everyone else in 2026, I need a little extra money here and there to get by.
Some people say, “It’s unfair that you’re making money off your confidential information,” but listen, the rents on Mount Parnassus are getting out of control and I still have student loans left over from my purification rites. I need a secure side gig that will make the lifestyle I’ve become accustomed to (spending hours in a celestial trance and uttering cryptic prophecies in perfect hexameter to weary travelers) much more sustainable.
What if I make a…?
